


If You Give a Dark Lord a Nose

by Skaty_not_Stoppy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, If you give a mouse a cookie, Voldy get a new nose!, first fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-11 21:31:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10474863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skaty_not_Stoppy/pseuds/Skaty_not_Stoppy
Summary: What would happen if you gave a Dark Lord a nose? What if you gave Wormtail some attention? Or gave Snape shampoo?The answer: Not what you would expect. Based on the children's story by Laura Numeroff, it's my first fanfic, from a time before I knew that Voldemort has ears.  Please R&R and not criticize too harshly!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is my first fic, and it's based on the amazing original story by Laura Numeroff, which is a child's story called "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie". And at the time I wrote this, I didn't realize that Voldemort actually does have ears. Oops! Also, can someone tell me if I should put "If You Give..." under work inspiration? Because that seems to be more for other fanfic. Thanks!

If you give a Dark Lord a nose, he's going to ask for some ears.

When you give him the ears, he'll probably ask you for hair to cover them.

When he's finished covering, he'll ask you for a comb.

Then he'll want to look in the mirror to make sure his hair isn't out of place.

He might notice that he's ugly. So he'll probably ask for his soul back.

When he's finished getting back his soul, he'll want forgiveness to feel good.

He'll start repenting.

He might get carried away and say sorry to every person he's ever hurt.

He may even end up making amends as well!

When he's done, he'll probably want someplace to live.

You'll have to fix up a bed for him at your place.

He'll walk in, make himself comfortable, place some protection hexes a few times.

He'll probably ask you if you know anymore safety spells.

So you'll read to him from one of your books, and he'll ask to see the charms.

When he looks at the charms, he'll get so excited that he'll want to cast one of his own! He'll ask for the wand that you confiscated (as soon as you noticed he had it) back.  
He'll cast a spell.

And when he's done, he'll remember how much fun it was being evil.

So he'll go back to it.

And he'll want to live forever again,

Which means he'll need... horcruxes.

He'll make his horcruxes, and then go look at his immortal being in the mirror.

Looking in the mirror will remind him that he misses hearing clearly.

So... he'll ask you for some ears.

And chances are that if he asks for some ears, he's going to want a nose to go with it.


	2. If You Give Wormtail Some Attention

If you give Wormtail some attention, he's going to want some more.

It's a very slippery slope to walk down.

First off, he'll make you find a way for him to get a TV that breaks the laws of magic and works.

Then, you'll have to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic with him.

He'll insist that you have chips and sodas and popcorn and candy when you watch.

While you're watching the climatic season 2 finale, he's going to drop one little piece of candy that will roll under the couch to that one spot you can't reach without a broom handle.

And after you've finished watching all the seasons, you'll have to clean the food all up by yourself.

Sure, he'll offer to assist, but you know he wouldn't be any help at all, he'd just get in the way.

So then you'd have to figure out some little activity for him to do while you deal with this mess, probably quilting.

That's not going to end well.

When he starts, he'll be so enthusiastic and talk about how much he wants to make Voldy a scarf for Christmas.

After that, he'll realise that knitting isn't as easy as he thought.

He'll pout and talk about how unfair it all is.

Maybe he'll even cry.

Then you'll offer to let him help you clean instead of knitting, and he'll say you don't believe in him.

The scarf he knits will be the ugliest scarf you've ever seen, none of the colours will look even remotely good together.

And when he gives his scarf to Voldemort at Christmas, Voldemort isn't going to be happy. 

Voldemort will yell at Wormtail and tell him that he should have been spending his time searching for Potter, not knitting scarves and being a brony.

Wormtail will be sad.

When Potter and his accomplices are finally caught and brought to the manor, Wormtail will be shafted to the side, alone and forgotten.

Then, he'll be put in charge of bringing Potter and friends food, not anything actually important, even if he was the one who brought Voldemort back to life.

He might miss having a friend to talk to, someone who actually likes him.

Maybe he'll remember how much fun he used to have hanging with the other Mauraders, before he betrayed them all.

So maybe he'll decide to take a chance on his old best friend's son.


End file.
